I’ve been getting emails lately about “that one special girl.” If I actually know the girl, I can give some specific advice. But in most cases, the standard community doctrine applies: Fuck a dozen girls, blah blah, so you’ll forget all about her.
In my own experience, though, just getting more girls gives only a very temporary reprieve from the torture of not having THAT one girl. Sure, being with new girl #4 is great, but once she leaves in the morning, you’re back to thinking about THAT one girl, and you’re wondering if you really have to f-close 12 new girls for that feeling to go away. And on top of it all, this kind of mindset easily devolves into a neediness since you begin to “need” the new girl to get over that one you couldn’t get.
I had this problem not too long ago with a rich supermodel (I’ve since learned not to label people as such high-value) that I was waay too aggressive on during the day 2 and cavemanned at the wrong time. Yikes. (All is not lost though, as we still text and talk whenever we see each other at the clubs, but it’s definitely in damage control mode.) After that botched day 2, I wrote to some close friends and mentors about her, and they pointed out that I was obsessing far too much about her. My first one-itis in a very long time. Then that same week, I had some more drama with MLTRs that caused me more pain and started the cycle of neediness.
In the end, the thing that helped me the most in terms of getting my MLTRs back and getting on track with the other girl (and bagging more chicks in succession) was the pithy chapter by David Deida in his Way of the Superior Man. If you haven’t read this book yet, you must. If I had to choose just one “pick-up”-related resource to read, it would be this.
After soaking in this chapter, I realized that in order to get the girl, I had to give her up, for good. And I had to do this knowing that given the circumstances, it was best for both of us. Only then did they start coming back to me. Ironic.
Here’s the chapter:
Chapter 29. Choose a Woman Who Chooses You
If a man wants a woman who doesn’t want him, he cannot win. His neediness will undermine any possible relationship, and his woman will never be able to trust him. A man must determine whether a woman really wants him but is playing hard to get, or whether she really doesn’t want him. If she doesn’t want him, he should immediately cease pursuing her and deal with his pain by himself.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you want to be with a woman but she doesn’t want to be with you, you must speak with your friends. Ask them to be honest with you. Ask them if they think this woman really does want to be with you, or if she really doesn’t.
If your friends honestly tell you that this woman doesn’t want to be with you, it is over. You cannot enjoy a good relationship with her, even if she changes her mind. Once she feels your neediness, once she feels that you need her more than she needs you, she will never trust your masculine core.
The priority of the masculine core is mission, purpose, or direction in life. The priority of the feminine core is the flow of love in intimacy. If a woman feels your feminine is stronger than hers–if she feels that the intimacy is more important to you than to her–then she will naturally animate her masculine. She will want space, she will want freedom to pursue her own direction, and she will be repulsed by your clinginess.
You are only punishing yourself when you want to be in a relationship with a woman more than she wants to be in a relationship with you. Of course, you must discriminate between whether she is playing “hard to get” or whether she is genuinely less interested in the relationship than you. This is why you should ask your friends, and even her friends. If it turns out that she really doesn’t want to be with you as much as you want to be with her, then it is time to realize the relationship won’t work. In such a case, the poles have become reversed, with your feminine desire for love meeting her masculine desire for freedom. This is not viable grounds for intimacy between a man with a masculine essence and a woman with a feminine essence. It is better to move on and work with your hurt than it is to continue demonstrating that your feminine desire is stronger than hers.
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Happy playin’, The Asian Rake.
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